How Did I Get Here? Part 19

So how ya been?  Yeah, me too.  Who's gonna listen, right?  Nice to see you back here and frankly, it's nice to be back.  A lot has transpired since our last visit.  Some positive, some not so much.  As planned, I turned fifty back in January. There were only two choices for that plan and since I am on this side of the grass, it's safe to say I made the wise one.  One plan that wasn't completed successfully was my goal of getting to 195 by that milestone birthday.  I guess you could say that I failed in epic fashion there.  Since we last met here, I have put back on a good deal of the weight I worked so hard to shed since I started this in February of 2012.  How much?  I don't know.  I can only guess, but not knowing, in my mind, will keep me from going off the deep end.  I want to see this through.  I want to be healthy, happy and an example of what you can do with the right tools.  Keeping my eye on where I am going is the important thing right now.

Why have I strayed from the wellness path so much?  Knowing myself as I do, I can honestly say that my food addiction will always look for reasons to sabotage and I will more often than not oblige.  So what were the excuses?  "Where's the dirt!?!", you cry.  Let's dip into how I got here some more in this, Episode 19 of my saga.  (If you are new here, go back and find the other 18 chapters.  There's some real gold there.)

Back in the early part of 2013 I started to write less and it felt like this blog became a job.  I had enjoyed it so much in the beginning, but it turned into a daily chore to find content that was meaningful.  I felt I couldn't be true to the core values of what I had built: be honest and share your experience.  The sharing was the issue.  And without the sharing there was no honesty.  For some time I had been unhappy in my marriage and in deference to my wife's privacy, I didn't use these pages as public shrink's couch.  That was increasingly harder to do as I found my resolve for fitness waning, so despite failed attempts to keep this blog up and many empty promises for future posts (I am truly sorry for that), I packed it in.

With the blog set aside, my eating habits and alcohol intake became my new hobby and exercise went out the window.  I am far from an alcoholic, but many, many empty calories have been consumed.  I knew my marriage was likely coming to end and, with that excuse, I drowned my sorrows in what was familiar and absurdly comfortable...crap crap and more crap.

Honestly, there is no dirt to be found here.  You won't find any insight into the private matters of my marriage on these pages, but I will simply sum it up in a few words.  We didn't work as a couple.  In October of 2013, days before our 5th wedding anniversary, we decided to separate and she is still to this day my dearest friend and I want nothing but the best for her.  I can't speak for her, but I think it's safe to say we are both happier now.  

Change is stressful and as I work my way through this process of divorce I know that I will want to abuse my body and mind as a coping mechanism.  That is precisely why I made the choice to return here and minimize further damage, which would be inevitable should I not.  I'm good at this and know what to do.  Doing it is always the hard part.  I may not be a perfect example of inspiration and resolve... just a perfect example of me.  I'm flawed.  Given that, I do not intend to make promises of what I will and won't do here.  

So what will this current TDT195 reboot look like?  Not sure really.  I will post when I am moved to and will share my experience as best I can now that the disclosure restrictions of my private life are more relaxed. I'm just a soon to be single fifty-year-old man hoping to better himself.  I'll do my best.  I say "do" my best not "try."  Like Yoda said, "Do. Or do not.  There is no try."

My plan is to work diligently at making positive changes and perhaps weigh in sometime in June, when damage done has been minimized.  I am not setting an end date for my goal, but my desire is for sooner, rather than later.  I'll post recipes here and there.  I'll try to maintain the lighthearted humor you've come to expect with my writing.  This is likely the least funny entry you'll read from here on out.  It almost seems like I should throw a joke in to lighten the mood, but today I am at a loss. This whole thing will be HARD.  I know it.  The future is kinda scary, but somehow I can't wait to get there.

Cya next time,
M

What I ate today:
Breakfast ~ Pumpkin Flax cereal w/Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk
Lunch ~ Whilst shopping, I grabbed a 16 oz. drink at the juice bar made of carrot, celery, parsley and spinach.  I also had some seared tuna.
Snack ~ One banana
Dinner ~ Pictured here is a fish taco, with homemade pico de gallo, homemade pickled onions, avocado and a piece of panko crusted tilapia on a whole grain tortilla.  The taco and the baby kale salad are drizzled with a homemade cilantro lime dressing.  This plate came in at just over 400 calories.