I've been chronologically documenting how it is I got to a
place in my life where I acknowledged my food addiction and decided to do
something about it once and for all.
It’s been a cathartic, insightful and fun process doing a thumbnail
sketch of my life as it pertains to my weight issues. In the last entry, dubbed “Kentucky Fried
Hernia”, I brought us to the fairly recent past. That will probably be the last installment of
“How Did I Get Here?” in a timeline structure.
From here I will go back, not weekly, but now and again, to fill in
gaps, recount some stories of significance that would have muddied the flow of
any particular post and, here and there, dip into some topics I haven’t been
quite ready to discuss. Looking at
yourself in the mirror and publishing what you see isn’t always easy. I do hope you have enjoyed my story as much as
I have enjoyed telling it.
Last week’s episode spoke of the second hospital stay of my
life, when it was time to take care of my long-standing hernia issue. I was hopeful that it would put me in place
where I could exercise more and get on track.
Of course, I was wrong about that.
I wasn’t ready for change, regardless of my physical state. My issues were in my head, not my body. There were stabs made at losing some weight
and I did manage to shed about 17 lbs. between August of 2009 and February of
2012. Honestly, though, if I didn’t come
up with the ‘aha’ moment about using this blog as a catalyst for change, I
would’ve likely put the pounds back on twofold in the long run. Today I will backtrack a bit to the time just
before my nuptials and leading up to my hernia repair.
Something that has played in the background during the last
six years of my life, helping me to medicate myself through food, was my new
family dynamic. Tabitha’s daughter
Justine dealt with addictions of her own since before I met her. I have often thought, and written of here,
that food is a different breed of addiction all together. I am no expert and this is totally my
personal viewpoint, but if drugs, alcohol or smoking are your poison, then you
find a way to stop taking them in order to solve your problem. Certainly not at all an easy thing to do, but
with a food addiction, you have to address your issues every time you nourish
yourself and if you don’t, it’s a slow
downward spiral until you hit bottom or eat your way into a piano crate, six
feet under. Drugs are usually a faster,
much sharper decline and they bring you to the brink of destruction, or beyond,
quite fast. I truly find them evil. Unfortunately they were the demons that
Justine dealt with and, by association, Tabitha and I.
In January of 2008, Justine left this world a troubled soul. It is a very hard thing to not only watch a
young, smart, talented and extremely funny young woman do such harm to herself,
as Justine did over those years I knew her, but it is harder seeing the woman you love, her
mother, try to struggle toward finding a solution and ultimately dealing with
the aftermath of losing a child. It
stresses every aspect of life for the survivors and is a perfect reason for a
food addict to keep feeding the monster.
I don’t wish losing a child on my worst enemy. I give tremendous credit to my wife for
handling things as well as she did. As
close as I am to the situation, I cannot imagine what it is like for her.
The loss took its toll on Tab’s parents as well. It was also painful observing them trying to
makes sense of something that never could make sense. That troubling situation came to an abrupt
end a short time later. To add to the
trauma inflicted upon my dear wife, her mother Rose passed away suddenly in
December of 2009. As if that weren’t
enough heaped upon her, Tabitha’s father Tony died of a previously undiagnosed bone
cancer, less than three months later. A
great deal of pain was thrust upon us in such a short period. Since I had never been one to drink to excess
or ever take controlled substances, I, of course, turned to food to soothe my
soul. The twenty-two months following my
wedding packed about 40+ lbs. on to my already large frame. While I certainly don’t hold anyone but
myself accountable for my food issues, the tough times written about here today
certainly contributed to my own downward spiral or, if nothing else, gave me an
excuse to self-medicate as a junk food junkie.
Cya next time,
M
What I ate Friday and how I exercised:
Breakfast ~ Kashi 7 Grain Nuggets w/banana, toasted
pecans and almond milk
Lunch ~ Chicken Tortilla soup (minus the tortillas)
and half a Mediterranean Vegetable Sandwich from Panera, delivered to my
working self by the lovely Tabitha.
Thanks, Hon!
Snack ~ Some carrots and hummus, whilst my Aunt H
prepared a glorious meal for us in the country
Dinner ~ A fabulous vegetarian spread was laid before
us, consisting of homemade gazpacho and an asparagus, snap pea and avocado
salad. H outdid herself in accommodating
our lifestyle with fabulous tasting food.
Look for a guest post from her on July 11th, while I am on a
flight to Boise, ID.
Exercise ~ No time Friday. Worked non-stop until I left for a weekend in
the Catskill Mountains. There will be
plenty of walking ahead of me today.
<3 to both of you.
ReplyDelete