How Did I Get Here: Part 7

In July, of 2001, I was scheduled for my gastric bypass surgery.  I had just lost around 40 lbs. and to say that I was optimistic about what the future would hold would be an understatement.  I was also increasingly scared as the days drew near.  I recall one evening at a friend's house, we had just finished dinner and I my friend S was expressing concern over what I was about to do.  While I was assuring her that all would be well and this was the best move for me, every emotion started coming out.  I started to cry.  Everything that had come to this point was bubbling up, and out, and I started to spill my guts as to what had brought me to such an extreme measure. (Note to self: Spilling My Gut, not a bad book title)

What I told her was, I was tired of people feeling worried about me.  My mother had just lost my father.  She didn't need to worry about losing her son.  My father never got to see me truly happy.  In his fast decline and the years prior, he watched me grow fatter and fatter.  He saw my quality of life deteriorate and that must have been hard to watch.  His life was cut short at 63 and I got to thinking about how little time we have.  I was tired of people feeling sorry for me.  I was just plain tired.

I dried my eyes and apologized for the scene, but it felt good to vocalize all that I had been feeling.  I was more ready now to face the scary proposition of my first-ever surgery.  I thanked her for a nice meal, as always, then said goodbye to my 'adopted' second family and went home to be alone with my thoughts.

When doing a procedure on someone as large as myself, they worry about clotting.  If a blood clot goes to your lungs, heart or brain, it can be fatal.  So what they do is install something called a Greenfield Filter, or inferior vena cava filter (I prefer the term Greenfield Filter, as only the best will do in my vena cava.).  This device resembles a tiny umbrella, minus the fabric and is inserted in through either your groin or neck.  It then settles in somewhere down the line to catch any clots that might occur.  They then disolve, over time.  Myself, being very uncomfortable about anyone fishing something into me via my groin, insisted on the neck.   This procedure was to be done a few days before my surgery as an outpatient procedure.  I would then stay at my sister's, overnight, in case I had some adverse affect from the anesthesia. 

The Greenfield insertion was supposed to be a snap.  In and out, no big deal.  Well, a big deal approacheth.  During the procedure, they keep you sedated, but awake.  This is perhaps why I didn't want anyone fishing a wire into my groin, whilst I was acutely aware of my nethers being skewered.  In doing this maneuver, the surgeon (Mine was a short little guy who looked all of 15 and might very well need a stool to hop up on and reach the table.  He reminded me of Bam Bam Rubble, actually.) puts you in what is known as the Trandelenburg position, in which your feet need to be above the heart.  I guess this helps the little umbrella find its forever home a little easier.  Dr B fishes the metal cable, filter attached, in through my neck and feeds in a foot or so.  Keep in mind, I am awake all the while.  He then calls for Trandelenburg and the table starts to tilt my feet up...and up...and up.  I hear panic in the room.  The table won't stop!  I start to slide and the doctor and nurses attempt to hold me, all the while I have this cable jutting from my jugular.  Dr B calls for more attendants to help this 440 pound kebab from doing a backward roll off the malfunctioning table.  They eventually get about six strong people to lift me up and slide me onto a gurney, still wired like a lamp, with this thing sticking from my neck.  They then take a good deal of time to decide how to proceed.  Excuse me?  Down here?  Wire?  Neck?  Hurry please?  It is determined that they have to abort and I will need to go through this again sometime before my surgery in 3 days.

A good friend called Mom to see how things went for me.  Now, Mom has never been one to get the facts right.  Mom, I love you, but you would be a great fiction writer, although I am sure you would see your books on non-fiction shelves of the Barnes and Noble.  Anyway, I digress.  Mom tells my friend, that I broke the table and fell off during the ordeal.  When my friend told me this after, I was appalled.  The whole bypass thing was embarrassing enough to me without Mom telling people that my fat ass broke a metal table at Morristown Memorial and then I rolled onto the floor like a holiday pig trying to escape.

I spent the night at my sister's place and the next day we all went to Denny's for breakfast.  I hadn't eaten in around 2 days and was looking to chow.  I recall having some sort of ham omelet.  It was an enjoyable morning with my sister, her husband and my nieces, then it was off to my apartment, about 20 miles away.  On the way home, something wasn't right.  My insides started to churn about 2 miles from my place.  I will save you the gory details, but I was gonna lose it between here and my own bathroom, just minutes away.  I remember fiddling with my keys as I exited my car, squeezing everything as tightly as possible to avoid an accident.  The damned security door to the building was sticking.  I still had to run up the stairs, get through my own door and across the apartment to the John.  It seemed like a marathon.  Let's just say I fell short of the finish line.

I knew what the problem was!  That freaking Denny's poisoned me!  I got on the phone and called them.  I asked for the manager and a cheerful voice answered, "This is Faraz.  How can I help you?"  "Well, Faraz, you can help me by not serving spoiled food that makes my insides explode out my ass, not 30 minutes after leaving your shithole of a restaurant!  Your ham or eggs must be bad, because I got as sick as a dog on my ride home!"  I then proceeded to tell him, in great detail, of the previous 45 minutes of my miserable life.  He assured me that no one else was ill and it had to be something else.  I told him I doubted that and left him shouting the parting words, "Go F*** yourself Faraz!"  As I was hanging up on him I heard a voice come from the slamming receiver.  It screamed, "Whaaaaaattttt!?" Click. 

It was sometime later that I realized it could very well have been the aftermath of the anesthesia.  I then immediately felt bad for unloading on Faraz.  That wasn't me at all.  I was usually polite to strangers, even in the most  tense situations.  That day I lost it in more ways than one.  Sorry, Faraz, but I did get a somewhat amusing story out of it all and for that, I thank you.  By the way, his name really was Faraz.   I didn't make this up for comedic purposes.   I am not sure why I recall with such clarity, his name and Trandelenburg, when sometimes I can't remember where I just put my keys...go figure.

Next time I will actually get to the big surgery day, itself. 

Thanks for reading and cya next time,
M

What I ate Friday and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Kashi Island Vanilla cereal w/fresh blueberries and unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch ~ A Boca burger 'Big Mac'.  No cheese ( I kinda miss you, cheese.) and homemade secret sauce

Dinner ~ Pan-seared tilapia over braised kale and cannellini beans, with a brown rice pilaf.  Also, a small order of Tom Yum chicken soup.

Exercise ~ None today

Cooking Thursday for 03.29.12

If you are new here, then you've stumbled upon my favorite day of the week, next to weigh-in days of course.  Thursdays are dedicated to the premise that in order to lose significant weight and/or maintain a healthy lifestyle, we need to eat the majority of our meals at home.  Homemade, healthy deliciousness.  Today, I am bringing you two side dishes that I have made in the last few weeks and really enjoyed.  Each of these dishes can have a simple protein added to make a complete, healthy meal.  Enjoy!

Braised Cabbage with Apples
Serves 4

1 tsp vegetable oil
1/2 large sweet onion, chopped
6 cups green cabbage, sliced into 1/4" ribbons
1 Honeycrisp or Fuji apple, diced to 1/2"
1/4 cup vegetable or chicken stock
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1 Tbs honey or agave syrup
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper
1 Tbs caraway seeds (optional)

• Heat oil in a large skillet or wide pot (use one with a lid available) over medium heat, until shimmering.
• Saute onions until translucent, stirring often (about 4 minutes)
• Add the rest of ingredients and stir. 
• Bring liquid to a simmer and reduce heat to medium-low.  
• Cover and cook until the cabbage is tender, stirring occasionally (about 15 minutes). 
• Adjust seasoning if needed.

*Great with a broiled chicken breast or low fat chicken sausage.

Sweet Potato Hash
Serves 4 as a side dish or 2 as a main dish with 1 fried egg

1 Tbs olive oil
1 small red onion diced
2 cloves garlics, minced
1 Tbs fresh rosemary, rough chopped
1/4 cup water
3 cups of sweet potato, diced into 1/2" 
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper

• In a large skillet with (use one with a lid available) heat oil over medium heat, until shimmering.
• Add red onion and cook until caramelized, stirring often (about 8 minutes)
• Add garlic and rosemary and cook until aromatic, stirring constantly so as not to burn the garlic (about 40 secs).
• Add water, bring to a simmer and scrape up bits on the bottom of the pan.
• Add sweet potato, stir and cover, cooking until potatoes are almost fork-tender (around 4 minutes)
• Uncover, add salt and pepper.
• Cook until water is gone and the potatoes start to brown.
• Turn with spatula every so often until there is a nice crust on the hash.
• Adjust seasoning, to taste

*An over-easy egg makes a great addition as an entree.

I hope you try and enjoy these healthy recipes.  If you want to use less salt or oil, or cooking spray instead, feel free.  As for the hash...it's a hash!  Add whatever you like!  Diced red pepper or chopped pecans would be great too.

Cya tomorrow,
M

What I ate and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Pumpkin Flax Raisin Bran w/unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch ~ Vegetarian Turkey sub, on whole wheat roll

Dinner ~ An awesome roasted beet and fennel salad, w/orange segments, toasted pecans and an orange mustard vinaigrette, garnished with shredded basil.  It was an experiment that turned out delicious.

Exercise ~ None today

What's In My Head Wednesday 03.28.12

Welcome, once again, to WIMHW.  The day that I spew forth whatever notions are rambling through the expanse between my ears. 

Nip/Tuck
I have been contemplating the reconstructive surgery a great deal lately.   I found a doctor in Berkeley Heights, NJ, that was in NJ Monthly's Top Docs for 2008.  He is with Summit Medical Group.  I will be asking my friend Shar Mo if she knows him.  Shar used to work there.  I am thinking that I need to investigate these folks more than thoroughly, given the complexity of the procedure.  If anyone has a recommendation for a good plastic surgeon, you can email me at thedriveto195@gmail.com.   Why are they plastic surgeons?  Most of what they do, is rearrange what you already have.  Aside, from boob jobs, where's the plastic?  Will I have a number inside a triangle where my gut was?

To Guest Blog or Not To Guest Blog

The day-to-day rigors of writing is getting to be somewhat stressful.  Coming up with things to write about daily sometimes makes my head want to explode.  I am considering occasional guest bloggers.  I would invite people who have struggled with food addictions or other addictions, had successful weight loss, as well as nutritionists, medical professionals, exercise gurus, etc. to occupy this space for a day.  Any thoughts, or volunteers?

Gardening
Given the amount of fresh veggies that crowd our refrigerator and our grocery bill, I am thinking of finally taking the plunge into gardening.  Let's face it, tomatoes are not only ungodly expensive anymore but the quality is nowhere near what it should be for the price.  At $4/lb., they should at least come with a secret decoder ring or have a frequent buyer program.  Since we remodeled our back yard last year, filled in the pool and didn't make room for such agricultural endeavors, I am considering a portable garden like the one seen here.  You can buy them, but I am inclined to make my own.  Perhaps, paint it up all nice.  It's up off the ground, away from the dogs and ground hogs, easier on my back and I could move it when need be.  I'll keep you posted on the status Farmer Mike.

Cooking Thursday has two of my favorite side dishes that I've recently made .

Cya then,
M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Kashi Cinnamon Harvest cereal w/unsweetened almond milk

Lunch ~ Out with the boss to one of my favorite restaurants, Ashia in Parsippany, NJ.  I had Tom Yum soup with chicken and one vegetarian roll.

Dinner ~ Boca burger 'Big Mac' w/o cheese, w/homemade low-fat secret sauce on a sprouted grain English muffin.  Side salad with my balsamic vinaigrette.  The wife said it was the perfect dressing! 

Exercise ~ 2 miles of walking around the neighborhood.

It's What You Crave

crave/krāv/ Verb: feel a powerful desire for (something)

Apologies to the White Castle folks for co-opting their slogan.  I do like those greasy little buggers.  Lately, I have been thinking about things I have gone without.  As in yesterday's post about wanting pizza, I have as of late, been thinking about various foods I would LOVE to enjoy... absolutely craving them.  On the list are, BBQ'd pork, a think juicy medium steak, a loaded baked potato, TGIF Garlic Parmesan wings and buttery, salty movie popcorn.  While I have been enjoying the food I have been eating lately, thoughts are creeping in about what I haven't been tasting.

I was planning to go to the movies tonight, while Tab is at class.  Just me.  I rather enjoyed the books and wanted to see The Hunger Games (Ironic, huh?).  I didn't go because I needed to avoid the temptation of the popcorn.  I tried to tell myself, or rather the devil on my shoulder tried to tell me, get a kids sized popcorn with just a touch of butter.  Sit alone in the dark and savor each kernel.  Have a Diet Coke/Pepsi, even though you've sworn off caffeine.  The addiction is tricky like this.  It tries to minimize the lies we tell, in order to justify them somehow.

When walking, sometimes I just want to quit early.  Maybe, just go 1.8 miles instead of 2.  Realize, there are days that I write the blog prior to walking or eating, knowing what the rest of the day will bring.  So in my mind, it's locked in.  I have committed to you that I will, indeed, walk 2 miles.  But if I didn't, who would know?  Well, I would, of course, but I can probably live with that.  What I can't live with is starting a pattern that flies in the face of the accountability I feel to my readers.  What I am starting to understand about addiction, a very slippery slope can be started by even the smallest of deceptions.  Once you cross a line, the next fraction over the line is more easily justified.  1.8 miles walked instead of the 2 reported, becomes, 1.7, then 1, until ultimately, you just don't go at all.  Similarly, a 2 ounce portion of pasta becomes 4 ounces, then 8.  Once that line is breached, it is a moving target that the devil on your shoulder helps you rationalize.

I guess, in the end, it comes down to degrees of craving.  Although I crave a taste of bacon, or a PB&J on white bread, or a thick, vinegary Italian sub sandwich, what I crave most is a new and improved life.  I'll be sure to tell myself that each time temptation comes calling.  I've waited long enough. 

Oh...and by the way, a medium movie popcorn with butter, has upwards of 1200 calories and 60-70 grams of fat.

Cya tomorrow for WIMHW,
M

What I ate and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Possibly, the last Amy's Breakfast Burrito :(

Lunch ~ A kitchen sink of a salad, w/mixed greens, sprouts, carrots, white tuna and more, lightly dressed in my homemade balsamic vinaigrette.

Afternoon snack ~ A pink grapefruit

Dinner ~ Kabocha squash and tofu in a green curry sauce, over brown rice and wilted kale.

Exercise ~ None today.  Took the day off.

Weigh-in #7: The Scale Giveth...

...and the scale giveth some more, baby!  It's a Monday and that can only mean one thing.  It's weigh-in day.  At the end of 7 weeks, I am feeling quite optimistic about the what lies ahead for me.  In the last week, I was less active then I wanted to be, but I was ever-vigilant about what I ate.  Believe me there were days that I wanted to stray.  I have had a hankering for pizza as of late.  I was watching Man vs Food on the Travel Channel and he was at a pizza place that made authentic pizza Margherita, certified by some organization in Naples.  Simple, but perfect pizza.  I wanted some.  A LOT!  I even did an internet search to see if there were any closer than Minnesota, that were similarly accredited.  Sure enough, one of only two certified in the country was right here in Bergen County, NJ.  Why do I tempt myself this way?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I refrained, knowing that even a single slice is a slippery slope and having to report that to you folks here would be very difficult, indeed.  Accountability works.  Thanks, all!

What did the scale say this morning?  Well, if you cheated at looked at the picture already, you now know that I weigh 331.2 lbs.  That's a weekly loss of 5.4 lbs. and a total of 32.2 lbs.   Holy metabolism, Batman!  I was hoping to get to a 30 lb. loss this week, but I never expected to blow by it.  Thanks for following my progress!  It strengthens me immensely.

Cya tomorrow,
M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Kashi Island Vanilla cereal w/ fresh blueberries and unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch ~ Seitan Piccata Cozy Kitchen frozen entree.  I wasn't a fan.  It was on sale and vegan, so I thought the wife might like them too.  We will see how she feels.

Afternoon treat ~ Starbucks Skinny Decaf Mocha Frappuccino

Dinner ~ Boca burger "Big Mac" w/o cheese and w/homemade special sauce on a sprouted grain English muffin

Exercise ~ 2 miles at the mall.  Thanks for joining me Wiff.

A.L.O.E. Sunday (A Little Of Everything) 03.25.12

Sunday is a day for cleaning up odds and ends here at TDT195.  It can be short topics that are not worthy of a whole blog post, follow up on previously posted information, questions from readers, or anything else I feel like expounding on.  Hey, it's my sandbox right?  Not entirely.  I would like  you to feel like this is your place too, so feel free to participate.  Leave comments, ask questions, or tell me I am full of bull dung.  It's all good.

Spring Cleansing

I am going to start something on Monday that many of you might feel is kind of strange.  Most people run from anything they find unusual, unpleasant, or that they do not understand.  Today I bought a liver cleansing product.  The one I purchased is called Perfect Cleanse, by Garden of Life.  Now don't thing ol' blogger boy here has gone all 'new agey' and is burning incense and twisting his legs into pretzels.  There is science behind this and I will explain as best I can. 

Aside from being your body's second largest organ (the skin holds the top spot), your liver is the prime detoxification organ and is instrumental in the fat burning process.  Every nutrient we consume needs to have its ticket punched by the liver to grant entry to areas of the body that need to use them.  It also guards against those toxins that don't deserve access.  When it gets clogged with the gate crashers that don't belong, it has trouble doing its job.  Much like the Brita filter you may use or those cardboard framed, honeycomb-like filters on your HVAC units in the house.  So, we need to clean it out from time to time, in order for it to do what it was designed for.  I've put a lot of wannabe gate crashing garbage in my system over the years.  I am hoping that this ten day program will clean the filter and make my weight loss initiative that much easier.  Here is a link that may answer any questions or comments you have about it.  I am far from expert on this.  www.perfect-cleanse.com

Mailbox

A reader asks, "If you could control how others perceive you/respond to you, what would you want them to feel/say/do?"

I will answer some of that question here today.  It's a great question and at least a whole blog post's worth, given the various instances it can affect.  I have been wrestling with the perception issue this week.  It was prompted by a work situation, which I won't write about here, but it made me think hard about how others perceive me. 

I do feel that some, if not most people, look upon the obese as weak, incapable human beings.  They treat them with a touch of derision, as if to say, "they can't even get a handle on their own eating habits, how will they handle something more complex?", OR they fear it reflects poorly on them to be associated with the obese.  That's sad to me.  

Reader, I want people to think I am capable, smart, intuitive and good at problem solving and not, apathetic, lazy, or dim.  I would like them to think that they can stand by me with pride and not be fearful that it reflects poorly on them to put stock in my abilities.  I am ashamed to say that I have felt negatively toward others with eating disorders or other addictions.  I am planning to write more about this in the future, when I can sort out my own feelings on the subject and organize them properly.  I've been struggling with that introspection since you posed the question, a few weeks ago.

Questions like this are EXACTLY what forces me to look within to find answers and one of the key reasons I created this blog.  Thanks so much for participating via email, reader.

Weigh-in #7 tomorrow.

Cya then,
M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Brunch ~ A Boca burger and egg sandwich with a touch of ketchup on a whole grain sandwich round

Dinner ~ Multi grain California roll at Whole Foods and some eggplant salad I didn't particularly

Evening Snack ~ I will likely have some fruit after writing tonight.

Exercise ~ My back is still bothering me, from yesterday.  No exercise today.

Saturday Evening Post

Just a short post tonight, as the Misses and I have a singing gig.  Off to the glamour of show biz, where we wedge ourselves into a corner and sing for three hours, or so, while people dine on hanging pieces of meat.  I guess it's a Portuguese thing.  But the wedging part is just a tad easier these days.  I'm shrinking in more ways than one (No jokes, a la Seinfeld, please.) 

Getting dressed this evening I thought I might try on a pair of pants that , until now, I have been unable to fit into.  I checked the tag and it would appear that I have dropped around 2 sizes. That's somewhere around 4 inches off the waist.  Even the belt I have on is an old cast-off from days gone by.  I'll stand a little taller tonight knowing I'm that much closer to my goal.

My stomach must be shrinking too.  I noticed that my capacity is not near what it was prior to the start of TDT195.  I have also been eating slower and looking for the signs of fullness.  Way too many of us eat so fast that we blow by the point where we are full.  There is a signal that the brain sends to let us know were done, but if eating too fast, we are still shoveling as the brain is processing and the signal arrives too late.  Lesson learned.  Eat slowly, enjoying each bite.  Eat away from things like the TV or internet where our hands and mouths are distracted.  Stop when you feel full, even if it does taste as good as what I had tonight...yum.

Cya tomorrow for A.L.O.E. Sunday,
M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Kashi Island Vanilla cereal w/1 banana and unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch ~ Homemade salmon cake sandwich on a multi grain sandwich round w/homemade low fat tartar sauce

Dinner ~ Pan seared chicken breast over sauteed Brussels sprouts w/pecans and craisins and 1/4 cup of brown rice

Exercise ~ I worked in the yard some today and hauled some heavy things off to the town dump.  Pulled my back in the process.  Hopefully I will be fit to mall walk tomorrow.  Looks like rain.

How Did I Get Here?: Part 6

Let's see...where were we?  Aaaah, yes.  It was late 2000.  My Dad had just passed and I had returned to living at my own place.  Just me and my roommate, Mr. Fatty Food.  We were inseparable.  I was regularly eating fast food, pizza or Chinese every meal of every day.  Despite the fact that I was an excellent cook, the only thing I would wind up making for myself would be nuking a couple of hot dogs around 11PM, because I thought the KFC meal or the Meat Lover's Pizza Hut pie I had wolfed down wasn't holding me over. The truth was that I was plain bored, lonely and depressed.  I was off the rails, out of control.

I was functioning okay in my job and well thought of in the workplace.  My sleep apnea was behind me and I had my wits about me, for the most part.  I started to want something better for myself now that I had a decent supply of oxygen feeding my brain cells.  When you stop breathing so many times each night while in the throes of sleep apnea, you are so oxygen deprived that you get kind of crazy.  The delusional behavior that I spoke of in part 5 was a result of that.  But now that I was of sound mind, I wanted the sound body to go with it.


I worked with a guy named Paul.  Paul was a fellow 'big man' and had confided in me that he had gastric bypass surgery prior to our meeting.  I was surprised to hear this, because he was rather rotund.  He showed me pictures of a much larger Paul, so I went with the theory that I caught him on the way down, a work in progress  Paul explained to me about the surgery he had undergone.  His was done in a time where they splayed you open like a gutted bass and re-arranged your insides to make you eat less.  Oddly enough, it wasn't the altering of my digestive system that scared me, it was the fact that they made an incision about a foot long down the middle of you and spread you open like an unzippered duffle bag.  My own doctor assured me that I was a qualified candidate for the procedure, but I wanted no part of it.  Thanks for the thumbs up Doc.  I didn't need you to tell me I'm big enough for insurance to cover it.  My first clue was that I was as visible from space as the Great Wall of China.  I'll pass, all the same.

On a trip to the grocery store one day, I saw a People Magazine with Carnie Wilson on the cover.  It was saying that she had gastric bypass surgery and she had lost around 175 lbs.  What intrigued me was that she had it done laparoscopically.  Tiny incisions and instruments with cameras, made this all a much less invasive procedure.  Now my interest was piqued.  I bought her book, Gut Feelings: From Fear and Despair to Health and Hope.  It was a combination of her biographical ramblings about being a child of celebrities, struggling with addictions of all sorts and her story of salvation from her food demons.  This somehow spoke to me and I needed to find out more.


It was now January, 2001 and I discovered that one of the top places to go for such procedures was at Morristown Memorial Hospital, close to my home.  I learned that, once a month, they held an informational meeting at the hospital, where they would explain the procedure, have testimonials from patients, and you could meet the doctors.  I was amazed that the turnout was so huge (No pun intended.)  There were hundreds of people there looking for some help, some peace of mind.  People just like me hoping, beyond hope, that these doctors held the secret to our happiness.  I waited in line for a very long time at the end of the program to meet the head nurse/coordinator of the program and make my appointment.  The earliest spot they had was in late April, three months away.  Three months away!?!  You don't understand!  I can't wait three months months.  I want to be thin, like yesterday!  Of course, these were all things I said in my head.  Besides, what was three months compared to 37 years of expansion and I'm not that pushy outwardly.  I just said thank you and was on my way back home, dreaming about the life that was ahead of me.

Certainly, one would think that I prepared myself for that April appointment by starting curbing my eating habits.  Heeellllll no!  I went on as before.  Getting in my last licks. (Pun intended, this time.)  The day finally came.  I was escorted into the Doctor's office and they asked me if I wanted a seat without arms.  Oh my God!  No one ever asked me that before.  They understood!  They knew we super-sized people abhorred armchairs and the way they dug into our legs.  Hallelujah!  I felt at ease immediately.


They invited me to step up to their fancy scale that looked like it was more suited for a stock yard, than a doctor's office.  Nurse Mary asked me how much I thought I weighed.  I told her I was probably about 430.  I stepped up on the platform and looked in horror at the digital readout.  483.5 lbs.  I wanted to cry and crawl into a hole.  Don't ask me what makes 483.5 so much worse than the 430 I thought I weighed, but I was devastated.  They explained to me that there is such a thing as 'last supper syndrome', where patients attempt to do exactly what I was doing since January, eat anything and everything they wanted, without abandon before surgery altered their ability to live as they were used to. They warned me that if I got any worse, they could not have the bypass.  The tables had a 500 lb. limit and I should, in fact, lose weight prior to my July surgical appointment.  I was so shocked by that scale and scared shitless, that I did just that.  From April 2001 until July 17th of that year, the day of my surgery, I lost about 40 lbs.  I was going to be the model patient.  I wanted a better life for myself and for once, I was going to work for it.

I'll pick up from here next week, when we relive my surgery and post-operative  life.  As a side note, if you use Twitter, please follow the blog's feed @thedriveto195.  Thanks

Cya tomorrow,
M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Pumpkin Flax Raisin Bran w/Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk

Lunch ~ Admittedly this was not enough for lunch.  I was in a hurry and just had a grapefruit.

Dinner ~ 1 Salmon cake and sauteed kale, shiitake mushrooms and white beans.  Deeeeeelicious!  I'll post the kale side dish recipe next Thursday.

Exercise ~ 2 miles walking with the wife.  Lovely night for a walk.

Cooking Thursday for 03.22.12

Thursdays are the days when we turn our thoughts to healthy cooking, here at TDT195.  I believe that in order to truly be healthy and lose weight, you need to eat the majority of your meals at home.  No, that doesn't mean you bring home a bag of burgers or a pizza and chow in front of your TV.  It's home cookin' folks, with fresh ingredients and a little love.  Enjoy it around a table with those you care about most.

I've often used a line that I stole from my tree hugging, health food loving, vegan wife, Tabitha, "Salads are traps."  They are if you eat the fat-laden dressings while dining out, but made at home, salads are a great way to get uber-healthy fresh vegetables, beans and nuts into your diet, in an easy and delicious fashion.  You don't need to be a good cook to make a good salad.  I prefer mixed field greens or mesclun greens and Tabitha likes the more bitter varieties, such as frisee, radicchio or a nice 'peppery' arugula. 

Below are three of my favorite recipes with three different styles.  We have a traditional Italian vinaigrette, a spicy chipotle honey-lime and an Asian orange-sesame, which my sister loves.  I usually use my Magic Bullet to make my salad dressings, but you can finely dice your solid ingredients and vigorously shake them in a jelly jar or similar vessel.

Use these dressings sparingly, otherwise you might as well go to the Olive Garden or T.G.I. Fridays.  Toss your salads until the leaves glisten, but you see no residual dressing on the bottom of the bowl. 

If you like your salad slightly more or less acidic, adjust the vinegar levels to your liking.  If you blend your dressing and it seems too thick, just add a little water and blend again.  In case you aren't aware of current food parlance, EVOO = Extra Virgin Olive Oil. 

Cya tomorrow for Part 6 of "How Did I Get Here",
M

Mike's Italian Vinaigrette

Serve this with any salad, roasted vegetables or even on a sandwich.  Add toasted pine nuts for some extra crunch and great flavor.  I also enjoy it tossed with artichoke hearts.

Ingredients:
1/4 cup EVOO
1.5 Tbs balsamic vinegar
1 tsp Dijon mustard
1 tsp honey
4-5 basil leaves (finely chopped, unless using a blender)
1 small shallot (finely chopped, unless using a blender)
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp fresh ground black pepper

Blend or shake vigorously in a jar, until emulsified.


Spicy Chipotle-Lime Dressing

This is great over Butter or Bibb lettuce with sliced steak or grilled chicken.  Another great use is over sliced avocado and fresh tomato.  Add toasted pepitas, a.k.a. pumpkin seeds for the perfect accent.

Ingredients:
1/4 cup canola oil
zest of 1/2 a lime
Juice of 1 lime (If the limes aren't particularly juicy, be sure to have a back up lime on hand.)
1 tsp unseasoned rice wine vinegar or apple cider vinegar
1 Tbs Dijon mustard
1 Tbs honey
1 Tbs cilantro, finely chopped
1.5 tsp chipotle pepper in adobo sauce, finely chopped (more or less to taste)
1/4 tsp salt

Blend or shake vigorously in a jar, until emulsified.


Connie's Favorite Dressing

I whipped this up years ago for a nice summery salad with canned mandarin oranges.  My sister couldn't get enough.  Back then, I used the juice from the canned Mandarin oranges but they are loaded with sugar or, even worse, high fructose corn syrup.  These days I use orange juice, instead.  Served with shredded Napa cabbage, prepared slaw mix or any soft, mild lettuce.  I add toasted, sliced almonds or pecans and orange segments and/or craisins.  Any grilled meat would also go great with this flavorful dressing.

Ingredients:
1/4 cup canola oil
1.5 Tbs rice wine vinegar
1 Tbs orange juice
1 Tbs honey
1 tsp sesame oil
2 tsp soy sauce
2 Tsp cilantro (finely chopped, unless using a blender)
2 tsp orange zest (optional)

Blend or shake vigorously in a jar, until emulsified.


What I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Pumpkin Flax Raisin Bran w/unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch ~ Un-turkey pita sandwich and sweet potato hash (recipe in the future)

Dinner ~ Boca burger on a whole grain sandwich round

Dessert ~ 2, 50 calorie pieces of dark chocolate w/cranberry and almonds

Exercise ~ I am embarrassed to admit that I feel asleep on the couch and did not walk.  I shall now hang my head in shame.

What's In My Head Wednesday 03.21.12

Hello again.  It's WIMHW for a pleasantly warm spring day and I have a few things running around between my ears I'd like to share.  Wednesday at TDT195 is a 'feelings' kind of day.  Great...now I am going to have that freaking awful 1974 Morris Albert song in my head.  I only mention it so you can share my pain and curse me later on tonight when he is singing in your brain, too.  "Feelings.  Nothing more than, feelings..."

How Much is That Fat Doggy in the Window?

I was walking through a shopping center today and caught a glimpse of myself in a storefront window.  I've never been comfortable with looking at pictures of myself.  Seeing my fat ass in a picture window ain't any different.  I was already coming off a ding to the ego from an hour earlier, when a store clerk at Batteries Plus offered to help me.  As he was coming around the counter, I saw that telltale shift of the eyes toward my beltline expanse that said "Woe! He's a biggun'!"  Now, as I walked over to the Health Shoppe to pick up a few items I can't always find in my local grocery, I saw that huge guy that looks eerily like me, mirroring my moves.  We obese people often have a distorted view of ourselves.  The movies in my head usually have me played by someone more like John Travolta than John Candy.  Seeing different and being shocked back into reality stings.  Even at my heaviest, ten years ago, I was in denial when I saw a picture I got caught in.  I say 'caught' because I would seldom, if ever, subject myself to the honesty of the camera lens.  They say the camera adds ten pounds but how did they get those ten cameras to take that one picture of me?  Things like this motivate me even more to get healthy and hopefully easier on the eyes.  If no one else's eyes, at least my own.

I Want More Sir...

Actually, I don't want more.  I feel very content with the amount that I am eating and the quality of the nutrition in my repertoire.  I have gotten some comments that I am not eating enough or not getting enough protein.  Let me assure you, I am keeping a keen eye on my health and trying to have a balanced, nutritious way of life.  I feel good.  Not bouncing off the walls with energy good, but certainly better than I felt when I was scarfing down over 3000 calories a day.  I will be scheduling a physical for myself in June, I think.  Have the oil checked and stay on top of things.  So, please don't worry about me.  I'm doing my body good.

Call me a Twit...ter

I have been considering for a while now finding a way to expand our audience and spread the message I feel the blog represents.  There was a time when I was an 'Anti-Twittite'.  I thought Twitter was kind of stupid, actually.  I don't need to know that someone just now found a pimple on their butt shaped like Lincoln or the lady at the bank had her skirt tucked in her cheeks.  Using Twitter would be TMI.  Another side of me thought that since this process of becoming half the man I used to be (less than half actually) was an everyday, all day struggle, perhaps those who read my blog might be interested in my thoughts or moments like the ones noted above.  For that reason, today I established a Twitter account for The Drive to 195 and it is called...wait for it... @TheDriveto195.  Clever huh?  If you would like, subscribe to the feed and I will occasionally let you know what's in my head or things I've experienced, relevant to the process.  I promise it will be only occasionally.  I'm not that into myself, trust me.  On a similar note, the blog now has its own email address.  You can contact me at: thedriveto195@gmail.com

Here is what I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Kashi Island Vanilla cereal w/1 banana and unsweetened vanilla almond milk

Lunch ~ Like on Seinfeld, the big salad.  Mixed greens with tuna, white beans and other goodies.  Tomorrow, in Cooking Thursday, I will list a few recipes for homemade salad dressings.

Mid-afternoon treat ~ Iced decaf skinny Mocha

Dinner ~ A Boca Burger on a whole grain sandwich round and some steamed sweet tater.

Exercise ~ Another day off to rest my weary legs.  I'll log 2 miles tomorrow.

Calories Schmalories

I've stated before that my theory is that if we eat the right things, then calories are sort of irrelevant.  Not irrelevant in the sense that we'd be able to lose weight by throwing down all the junk food we want down our piehole, but in the sense that if we eat healthily, we won't wind up consuming too many calories.  How many is too many you ask?  Well, that all depends on your age, weight, height, sex, and activity level.  I, for instance, weighing 336 lbs. at 5'8" or so, obviously male (or at least I hope it is obvious) and as of late, moderately exercising, need approximately 3400 calories a day just to maintain my globelike figure.  See here to find your daily caloric needs.  http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm
Understand, this is not my calculator, just one I found on the internet.  Don't take it as an absolute number.  There is no such thing.  Take it as an estimate to, perhaps, satisfy your curiosity, if nothing else.

My research tells me it is widely understood that it takes approximately negative 3500 calories lose 1 lb. of body fat.  That means by eating 3500 calories less, or burning 3500 during exercise, or a combination of both, you would presumably lose 1 lb of body fat.  This is no exact science, by any stretch of the imagination.  I do not count calories per se, but I am aware of the rough amount of the little buggers I swallow every day.  By my estimates, it is 1200 to 1500.  I don't normally figure these things out, but for illustrative purposes, here we go. Yesterday, for instance, my breakfast was a fresh fruit salad which came in at approximately 300 calories.  Lunch was a pre-packaged veggie burger and sandwich thin with a hint of Dijon, 295 calories.  For dinner, I enjoyed a pasta dish which I made myself and I estimate, given the modifications I made to the recipe, totalled about 630 calories.  Add in a 50 calorie piece of dark chocolate I ate after writing my blog and we get 1275 calories for the day.  A fairly typical day in the life of moi. 

By the math listed above, let's say that I consume about 1350 calories on average per day, 7 days a week, for a total of about 9450 calories per week.  By the calculator linked above, I need some 23,800 calories per week to maintain my weight.  A difference of 14,350 calories.  Divide that by 3500 and you would get 4.1 lbs per week in body fat lost. 

Yes, I am averaging 4.7 calories/week, thus far, but in the last 4 weeks it has only been 10.8 lbs.  What does this tell us?  A: I have been estimating my calories wrong, B: I cheat and don't report to you all exactly what I eat, or C: Metabolism and weight loss are not an exact science and these calculators and theories are, largely, a bunch of B.S.

I am going with C.  Which is exactly why I do not make myself crazy over every calorie I consume...and neither should you.  Be sensible and live your life.  Obsessing over every unit of energy your body uses as fuel will make you crazy and it is a recipe for failure. 

Cya tomorrow for WIMHW,
M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ What should have been a 2 egg, veggie omelet, turned into a veggie scramble.  I need new non-stick pans.  :(

Lunch ~ On the road and ate 1 Burger King small hamburger

Dinner ~ Left over pasta con sarde from last night.

Snack while writing this ~ 1 honeycrisp apple

Exercise ~ After walking over 8 miles in the last 3 days, I am kinda sore.  I took the day off.

Week 6 Weigh-in

I got through what I thought would be a difficult week.  A client dinner, several other meals out and a Saint Patty's Day party.  In each situation I made good choices, despite great temptation.  Bread and butter on a table is another one of my triggers.  I tasted some bread, but ate no butter.  I did indulge in a few non-alcoholic beers more than what might be prudent, but all in all, a good week.

I felt like I didn't walk as much this week, though when I went back and totalled everything up, it looks like 8 miles so far.  I will likely take advantage of this gorgeous weather and walk another 2 after dinner, bringing the week's total to 10 miles.  Not bad for a big man.

So, now for the numbers.   I assume that is why most of you come here on a Monday.  The blog hits seem to jump a bit on weigh-in days.  This week I stood atop the scale without the normal ceremonial shedding of possible excess weight.  I could've shaved or clipped my toe nails, but I jumped up there all scruffy, my toe's boxcutters intact, with a devil-may-care attitude.  Week #6 yielded a 1.8lb. loss, bringing the total to 26.8lbs.  I will list below the progress thus far ,week-by-week.  For you digitheads out there, I am around 16% of goal.

Week 1  13 lbs.
Week 2  2.6 lbs.
Week 3  4.6 lbs
Week 4  2.4 lbs
Week 5  2.4 lbs
Week 6  1.8 lbs

Cya tomorrow,
M

Here is what I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Fresh fruit salad of 1 Honeycrisp apple, 1 banana and 1 pink grapefruit

Lunch ~ 1 chickpea and onion veggie burger on a whole grain sandwich thin, a small salad lightly dressed

Dinner ~ An Italian tradition made lighter on this St. Joseph's Day.  Pasta con Sarde is sardines, fennel and tomatoes with pasta, dusted with "mudica", aka St. Joseph's sawdust.  It's toasted bread crumbs that add a nice flavor and texture to the dish instead of the regular grated cheese we all know and love.  I am using this recipe form cooking light and adding the mudica, a few raisins and subbing 100% whole grain pasta.  http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/fennel-sardine-spaghetti-10000001932629/

Exercise ~ 2 miles around the lake

A.L.O.E. Sunday ( A Little Of Everything) 03.18.12

Sunday is clean up time.  Time for me to put down short thoughts that occur to me during the week, address questions I’ve had from the reading audience or just plain ramble. Mostly ramblings tonight, so welcome to A.L.O.E for Sunday, March 18, 2012.

Hey, Stranger…

While at a party on Saturday, I had two very nice women come up to me and tell me that they were reading the blog and they admired what I was doing.  One told me of her battles and successes with her own weight issues and how she related to my struggle.  I am moved by my family and friends that been keeping up with my daily diatribes, but I have to tell you, when practical strangers come up to you and tell you they read your stuff every day, it is quite a rush.  It’s not at all an ego thing.  It’s that people I don’t know can relate to my journey and are rooting for me.  It’s humbling, actually and very encouraging.  This is one reason I always urge people to share the blog.  Bloggergirl45 has done a great job of spreading the word, hence the two compliments yesterday.  I have always truly known that I wasn’t alone, but we that suffer in silence never grasp that until someone taps you shoulder and says, “I empathize with your situation.  Keep up the good work.”

Battle of Wounded Knee

My knee has bothered me these past few days, just a little.  My left knee has some pain when going up stairs, but not when walking.  The wife thinks I am doing too much and that I should listen to my body  and go easier.  It would seem my back is hurting less when I walk and I pushed through that intial discomfort of exercise.  I think the body is going to push back a tad while I get used to this.  I’ll keep an eye on this and keep you posted. 

Burn, Baby, Burn

Did you know that you never really burn fat cells?  When you exercise or reduce caloric intake, you don’t actually burn the fat cells themselves.  What you are doing is shrinking the fat cells.  Emptying the sack as it were.  Even when shrunk, those cells have the potential to grow in size again.  The only way to get rid of the fat cells is through medical procedures such as liposuction. The same is true for muscle.  You don’t lose or gain muscle.  It’s all about density of muscle tissue.  As you exercise, muscles get more dense.  If you remain sedentary for prolonged periods of time, the muscle will lose density and the fat cells will regain their mass.  So, it is a fallacy that muscle turns to fat when we stop working out.  Stay fit.  A fit body burns fat (not fat cells) more efficiently than an unfit one.

Tomorrow is weigh-in #6.  Will the scales move?  We’ll see.

Cya then,

M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ 2 delicious leftover Multigrain banana nut pancakes.

Lunch ~ Salmon cake sandwich on a whole grain sandwich thin. (See recipe from Thursday’s blog)

Dinner ~ A bowl of spicy Thai soup with chicken and 2 sushi rolls, 1 tuna and 1 vegetarian

Exercise ~ I rocked it out in the exercise department today.  I walked 2.52 miles on a wooded rocky path and then another 1.5 around the lake later today.  Over 4 miles today.  Yay me J

So Much For The Pleasure-Pain Principle

I was having brunch today with my wife and niece at the Rutherford Pancake House in Rutherford, NJ.  If you are a vegan, or know one, this is a great place to feed your gustatory soul.  Even if you are an omnivore, such as myself, the food is delicious, but it is their vegan fare that sets them apart.  I was proud of myself for skipping the fat-laden options that normally would have been hefted on my fork.  They serve those, too.  Instead, I decided to 'treat' myself to some whole grain pancakes made with bananas and pecans.  The wife had a vegan version of the same and ordered some real Vermont maple syrup to go with them.  They arrived all steaming and aromatic, with the fruit and nuts baked right in.  Just the way I like them.  Before me was a stack of four decent size flapjacks and a dilemma.  If I ate all of this, albeit healthier version of one of my favorites, I would've shot a whole day's worth of fat and calories in one meal.  I drizzled just a smidgen of syrup, scraped on perhaps a teaspoon of vegan 'butter' and dug in.  By the time I was through just one cake I was starting to feel satisfied.  I ate another half and I felt like I was through.  I have two waiting in my fridge for Sunday breakfast.  With my two cups of decaf, I stayed perfectly within the bounds of reason and felt pretty good about myself.

My niece had ordered buttermilk pancakes and bacon.  Now, understand something.  There is no greater temptation for me than bacon.  The taste, the smell, the mouth feel, it all does it for me like nothing else in the food world.  For the record, I like mine 'crunchewy'.  That sweet spot between limp and crunchy.  I said to Tabitha, "That's one thing I miss is bacon."  She said, "Perhaps after you've been without it for a while, you're body will rebel and let you know you are eating something unhealthy.  You just won't want it anymore."  Heresy!  Like that would ever happen!  I love bacon!  Just like the dog in the Beggin' Strips commercials.  Bacon, Bacon, BACON!!!  I'll spare you the conversation that ensued, but the premise for today's blog entry was born.  It got me thinking, what is wrong with my pleasure-pain mechanism?

If you have been reading regularly (I know some of you just check in on the weigh-in days, which is perfectly cool), then you know I have written about just dozens of the thousands of negative reinforcements I have experienced in my life.  Yet all of those embarrassments and pain, both mentally and physically, did not deter me from inflicting further damage on myself.  I developed into a food masochist.  The mechanisms of addictions are far greater than the mechanisms that Mother Nature put in place to keep us safe.  I have had lengthy discussions with people about whether we are deluded when we make poor choices, that they are actually worth the outcome, or do we just lie to ourselves, knowing deep down that the despite our knowledge of the consequences, we act in a counterintuitive fashion?  I have arrived at the conclusion that I just became plain apathetic, resigned to the fact that I was powerless over food.  So regardless of my understanding that what I was about to put in my mouth was harmful to me, I indulged time after time.  My pleasure-pain mechanism was, indeed, faulty.  It will be interesting to see if this priciple is suppressed or if it manifests itself in version Mike.2.  I certainly do not want some other self-destructive habit to take over where food left off.

Someday I will eat bacon again.  I'll eat other less than healthy foods, I am sure.  It won't be any time soon, but I do expect when the moment comes, I will do so in moderation and use the smarts I was given to override the faulty switch.  I am no longer powerless over food, but I am wise enough to know that it is waiting to make a comeback.  The former champion always wants another title shot.  But from now on, the ever-shrinking championship belt is mine.  Sorry, devil.

Cya tomorrow for A.L.O.E Sunday,
M

What I ate today and how I exercised:

Brunch ~ 1.5 delicious whole grain banana nut pancakes with decaf
Dinner ~ Bloggergirl45 whipped up a scrumptious alternative for us non corned beef folks, with a Tofu Curry.  Don't judge!  Here is a link to an excellent blog and the recipe in her post "Currying Flavor"  http://mrose414.blogspot.com/?spref=fb  I also did celebrate St. Patty's Day with 3 O'Doul's (70 calories each, btw)
Exercise ~ Today I worked outside for while, redoing the lighting in my front yard and doing some spring cleaning.  I will try to get in 4 miles on Sunday.  Tune in and find out how successful I was.

How Did I Get Here?: Part 5

In Part 4, I left us at the tail end of the 90’s.  I had newfound friends that are still a very big part of my life and was getting out more.  I was also increasing the amount of water I could displace in a swimming pool, at record speed.  I had gone from big to huge.  One of my new friends, “T”, was so much like me that we instantly clicked. 

“T” and I shared a love of food, wine, music, poker and much, much more.  We were practically inseparable.  The problem was that what we did mostly was eat.  We would look for new and interesting places to stuff ourselves silly.  If “T” found a new place he liked, we were there in double-time.  I remember one such outing was at an all-you-can-eat sushi place in the city.  I was gorged on every kind of sashimi, hand roll, maki roll, drum roll, whatever. I then waited for my two pals, “T1”&”T2”, to finish their gluttony.  It was an additional hour before they were done.  Oofah!  Those boys could eat!  But that wasn’t the end.  We had to go to the new Krispy Kreme that opened up, as well.  “Make sure you get them as soon as they go through the waterfall of icing, so they’re hot.”, “T” instructed the paper-hatted lackey behind the counter.  We got 2 dozen airy sugar bombs and a container of milk and plopped ourselves down to induce the glycemic coma.  If it wasn’t outings like that, it was The Manor for the Grand Seafood Buffet, or a favorite pizza place, or a hot dog cart in Newark at 1AM.  It got totally out of hand.  On a happier note, “T”’s family took me in as one of their own.  I was dining at their house four to five nights a week and it was for their company above all.  I love them all dearly and consider them my family to this day.  I recall being at “T”’s house to ring in the new year of 2000.  I wasn’t aware then that I would continue to spiral downward toward rock bottom and my life would have significant challenges ahead.

My weight was skyrocketing.  My self-esteem was plummeting.  I went out less because I was ashamed of the way I looked.  One of “T”’s friends asked me to be in his wedding in May of 2000.  I knew and had hung out with “C” a good deal, but I wouldn’t consider us close friends.  To be asked to be in his wedding took me off guard.  Hell, I wouldn’t have been offended not to be invited to the wedding, let alone be in it.  I thought that he must’ve needed to fill out the groom’s side to match the bridesmaids, so I accepted.  I was honored to be asked.  Tuxedo fitting was the first thing I dreaded.  “T” was a big man, but I was wondering if they could even find something in my size.  Well, they could special order something, they told me and they could add a panel to the back of a shirt to shroud my considerable waist.  The tux was a size 72.  Oh my God!  What the hell was I doing to myself!?!

The other thing I was concerned about was standing during the ceremony.  I didn’t do too well on my feet for anything more than a few minutes.  The ceremony came and I was in agony.  Even standing ten minutes at a clip was torturous for me, not to mention kneeling at church.  My best guess was that I was approaching 400lbs. back then.  My best guess would have been wrong too.  I must’ve been much more.  I wouldn’t know how much more until ten months later when I could finally get on a scale that could accommodate me.  I supposed I could’ve gone to a truck stop to tip their scales.  I had it worked out in my head.  Drive up to the scale and weigh it.  Get out of the car.  Weigh it again.  Subtract the difference.  Of course I was only kidding when I would say this in a self-deprecating manner.  I really didn’t want to know.  I am sure the food addiction convinced me I was better off that way.

During this time of my life there was so much going on.  I had developed sleep apnea and was in severe crisis from lack of sleep.  So much so that would fall asleep at the wheel frequently, fall asleep at my desk constantly, and even get delusional during conversations as if I was narrating a dream that had crossed over into the semi-waking hours. The shit that would come out of my mouth sometimes scared me.  It was nonsensical at best.  I was always half asleep and incoherent.  It almost cost me my job and worse, I could have killed someone on the road, if not myself.  I finally had a sleep study done and was formally diagnosed.  This was the small first step toward the much improved life I would make for myself in the new millennium.

In February of 2000 my father was suddenly very ill.  Out of nowhere, this hale and hearty man was stricken with renal carcinoma... kidney cancer.  I moved back home with my parents to help care for him during this time, always hopeful he could recover and lead a normal life.  Alas, that wasn't to be.  It was quite trying and hard to watch.  Just trying to pitch in around the house, do yard work and go to doctor’s appointments was very difficult given my limited mobility.  But I soldiered on for Dad’s sake.  For Mom’s sake as well.  Despite the best doctors and aggressive treatment, he was taken from us on September 9^th of that year in the makeshift hospital room of our dining room.  I think of him every day and miss him dearly.  I am actually welling up a bit just writing about this.  This course of events would send me deeper into a self-abusive relationship with food.  I would hide myself away in my apartment for the next four to five months, just me and my poison. I think I put on at least fifty pounds that year.  It must’ve been hard for my loved ones to watch a bad situation get worse.

Join me next time for the biggest (pun not intended) revelation up to that point in my life.  It was brought to me by an unlikely savior…Carnie Wilson.

Cya next time,

M

What I ate and how I exercised:

Breakfast ~ Amy’s breakfast burrito

Lunch ~ A big salad of baby romaine, red onion, carrots, sliced filet mignon (left over from last night) and toasted pumpkin seeds in a homemade chipotle lime dressing.  I’ll post the recipe to this delicious salad dressing next week.

Dinner ~ Whole wheat pasta in a light broth w/veggies

Exercise ~ 2 miles around the lake.

*Update ~ Last night’s dinner was a huge success for me.  At a fine steakhouse, I managed to eat well and sensibly.  I had a lightly dressed Caesar salad (after all, it was the ides of March), a petite filet mignon (10oz, of which I ate around half) and grilled asparagus.  Decaf, in lieu of dessert.  I was intending on walking 1 mile when I got home and didn’t count on rain.