I am not sure if it is just me or if anyone else feels this way, but I'd love to hear from you on this one...especially if you have your own body issues. Come to think of it, who doesn't? Well, few anyway.I am kind of uncomfortable with compliments regarding my body. They usually come in the form of the following: "Oh. Look at you skinny!", "You look great. I can see your weight loss in here" (then they point to the apparently slimmer spots) or "Are you dieting? I can tell." The funny thing is that I have gotten these comments for years, whether I have lost weight or not.
I am not at ease with people calling attention to my body. I have never liked it and the unsaid part of the exchange is...you are less fat than you were the last time we met. I'm obese. It's a fact. I know it. You know it. I just don't like to talk about it, not face to face at least. I am always gracious, thank the person and offer some information like, "Yes I have. Thanks for noticing.", "No. I haven't, but thanks anyway." or "Dude. You need glasses."
I walked into a colleague's office yesterday and I was greeted with "Hey Skinny! Look at you! You are melting away!" I know I should be thrilled that my progress is being acknowledged, yet overstating the observation and morphing me into skinny seems to to tell me that the complimentor is as uncomfortable with the situation as the complimentee. If that be the case, my advise is, say nothing.
I am sure I am overly sensitive about my body image and attention to it. That feeds into this aversion to compliments, but if you are only an acquaintance of someone, do them a favor, leave their body off the list of topics for conversation. Perhaps in another 50-75lbs., I'll feel differently. We'll see, but I am guessing my head will take a long time to catch up with the concept.
Cya tomorrow,
M
What I ate today and how I exercised:
Breakfast ~ 2 egg omelet with shiitake mushrooms, tomato and avocado. Decaf w/fat free 1/2 & 1/2
Lunch ~ Arugula salad with roasted pepper and grilled chicken
Dinner ~ Cantaloupe appetizer and a bowl of Mom's turkey chili made with 99% lean ground turkey
Exercise ~ After the taxing day I had, I need some relaxin'. I WILL WALK TOMORROW!
I agree with you Mike - it's a tough one. I've had this happen to me and while I do take the compliment regardless of what drives it, I always do have a nagging thought that this person thought I was looking less attractive the last time they saw me, lol. I'm also cringing because this was me two days ago when I saw a friend who has lost a lot of weight (though I can honestly say I never thought she needed to) and I greeted her by calling her Skinny Mama. I won't be doing that again :)
ReplyDeleteGood topic bro. I would think, "to each their own", so if you don't like these kinds of comments, that is what is appropriate for you! May not work for everyone. But the person who has the call when it comes to you, is... well.... you! Duly noted here. Luv ya, keep up the good works.
ReplyDeleteB
I feel uncomfortable about compliments too most of the times. I still feel like that chubby girl. I know I don’t weigh as much anymore but it hard to see myself the way everyone else seems to see me. I am getting better since the person I am with thinks I’m beautiful and tells me all the time but it’s hard for me to see that. Maybe it’s our genetic makeup, who knows. Never the less, I think allot of people feel the same way. I guess we have to learn to love ourselves and look at the positive not the negative. Maybe then we will see ourselves in a different light.
ReplyDeleteAs a general rule, whenever someone compliments another person on their appearance it's because they truly think they look better and genuinely are happy for them. True, some are more eloquent than others at conveying the sentiment, but it really is no different than someone saying 'you did a great job' or 'i'm impressed with your skill in X.' When people say those things, are you focusing on them possibly thinking you were less competent/capable at a previous time? I think it's just another way low self-esteem rears its ugly head AND holding on to one's 'fat' self because it's a form of protection. - Tabitha
ReplyDeleteSince I had my transplant I have gained more than 50lbs. On my small frame, it is a lot of weight. Some of it is medication related, some of it is the fact that I don't work so hard just to breathe anymore and some of it is that I'm fast approaching 50! But it's been a difficult and unwelcome development. Despite this, people invariably look at me and say how great I look--belly bulges, multiple chins and all. At first I'd just look at them like they were nuts and say something self-deprecating, but then I'd just make them uncomfortable. For me the bottom line is that the person cared enough to try to make me feel good and is happy for me. Doesn't matter to me how it comes out. I just take the compliment and try to own it. The might be noticing how happy I am or how much more comfortable I am, who knows. They might be noticing that about you, too.
ReplyDeleteAll great points, folks. Thanks for your input.
ReplyDeleteMike,
ReplyDeleteObviously I'm not in your head, but I have to disagree rather sternly with you and your feelings of compliment aversion.
Regardless of anyone's shape, size, self-consciousness or any other influential characteristic in their life, they should never begrudge a compliment...unless of course it is something crass. The same could be said about a husband who innocently says to his wife, "You look pretty today." The wife shouldn't hit him over the head with a rolling pin and say, "What, does that mean I am ugly the other 364 days of the year?" She's married to him and should have confidence in how the man feels about her. Take the compliment as just something extra special to put a skip in your stride.
A compliment (unless obviously back-handed) should be received as simply and as appreciatively as it is stated. Something a person did about their look, their body, their dress, whatever, has made a positive difference in their appearance to someone to the point that they have been noticed. Paying sincere compliments is about people being gracious, noticing you and encouraging you with the ultimate intent of making you feel better. That should never ever be begrudged. Otherwise the world is just filled with a bunch of silent insensitive robots. Looking at the converse, what if you arrived at 195 and nobody said a damned thing to you? In spite of the pride you'd have in your accomplishment, I'm sure you'd be pretty disappointed if nobody noticed. Compliments are all part of fueling the journey and participating in the shared celebration of what you're accomplishing.
Mike, I know you to be a gracious person, but don't let whatever devils that lurk inside of you overshadow the simple expression of people being kind, supportive and...complimentary.
Rick
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." - M. Twain
Mike, (and Connie)
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Rick. Maybe the phrasing of the compliment is not so eloquent, but the sentiment is sincere. Take is as, "I noticed, you seem to be doing great! and Keep up the good work".
Of course, I am the queen of "foot in mouth" syndrome, but the intention is never to demean, only to be supportive.
You're working hard on this journey. Let the little phrases of praise help fuel you to the finish line and beyond!
(one of these days, Bob and I will make another 2ftr night!)
xoxo
Mary Ann
So well put, Rick. I agree with you totally. While I am well aware that no one means to be anything but well intentioned, it's the focus on my body that makes me uncomfortable. I take ownership of the fact that the issue lies with me, not the person offering me good will and encouragement. I love the Twain quote. I'll keep that in mind while I continue reprogramming my firmware.
ReplyDeleteThanks, both Rick and Mary Ann, for your comments and insight.